If You’re Anxious and You Know It…
…Continue reading this newsletter
I wrote this in the pre-election past. And with the results now available, I’m mad as hell; mad beyond words. But the point of this newsletter remains salient: I think you need a break right now.
I know I do. Since I returned from vacation in September, stuff in my life has just kept happening. And I wouldn’t quantify most of it as good.
Work is busy, as publishing always is heading toward the end of the year. Adding to this is the fact one of my favorite colleagues left last week for a fantastic new role. With my manager also on medical leave, my professional plate is fuller than someone taking total advantage of an all-you-can-eat buffet. In relationship land, my partner is considering a job offer that comes with a transatlantic move as soon as this summer; right in the middle of the lease for our apartment, where every appliance has taken a turn leaking the past month. Add in the worldly things impacting everyone—the election, ongoing war, 80-degree temperatures on HALLOWEEN in NEW YORK!!!—and it’s been…well, let’s go with a challenge.
Let me acknowledge that the topic of anxiety comes up a lot in this newsletter. I’ve covered coping, including crying, playing dress-up, and swimming, as well as how I’ve let stress eat away at my memory. It probably seems as though it’s perpetually on my mind. That might be true. But I’m not alone. In this year’s annual American Psychiatric Association’s mental health poll, 43% of adults reported feeling more anxious this year than last. That’s up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. Even the Sesame Street characters are tweeting about it!
For the uninitiated folks, anxiety is categorized as an intense, excessive, and persistent fear or worry over everyday situations. It may be temporary, or an indicator of a serious problem. Anxiety disorders are actually the most common mental health issue, according to the World Health Organization, despite only 1 in 4 people receiving formal treatment. Usually, anxiety is treatable. Usually, it’s caused by trauma and stress.
I can’t think of two words more synonymous with the state of the world over the past decade. Not feeling nervous honestly feels like an indicator you might have something wrong with you. That, or you have access to some nice drugs.
My answer to daily anxiety has typically been turning to art. Reading, writing, music, movies. They make up the creative balm that soothes my nervous soul. At every prior point in my life, above anything else, I’ve picked up a pen and made sense of something, even if nothing else around me does the same. But lately, that’s a challenge.
It’s not that I love writing less, or that I’m not passionate about the novel I’m working on. Neither is true in the slightest. It’s more that I’m finding it hard to keep reversing from the negative to the positive each day. Switching out of my work or life problem-solving mode into my creative, free-spirit one. Instead, I sort of want to float in nothingness. I kind of want to go to bed at 9 PM. I want to live how this tweet from Katie Howland suggests: like I’m in an airport lounge, a place meant for drinking and eating and wearing whatever without consequence or judgment. Problem is that nothingness only ever feels good for a bit before it makes things bad again. It’s a lot. It’s often too much. And it’s everything.
It’s in contrast with my usual obsession with productivity. If you’ve ever worked with me, you know this plays out in my hyper-scheduled calendar to assure I get to everything efficiently and on schedule. That’s not so bad. If you’ve ever taken a trip with me, this is also the way I handle an itinerary. No minute will be wasted! And that’s kind of awful.
This has bled into my writing goal grid, too; an aggressive spreadsheet with an almost impossible timeline that leads to me beating myself up when I don’t meet my word count each day. Never mind if I had a nice time going out for dinner, or if I finished reading a good book, or if I finally got around to watching that amazing television show everyone obsessed over in 2017. For some reason, pleasure alone doesn’t feed the productivity beast inside of me. It makes the monster increasingly frustrated. I try to remember Carrie Bradshaw only felt the urge to write because she gave herself space to live, too, but that’s frequently to little avail.
So, if getting stuff done doesn’t make me less anxious, and not getting stuff done also won’t make me less anxious… What is the secret third option here?
I’m sorry to report I don’t actually have the answer; that this question for now will need to remain rhetorical. But I think I’m closer. Whether that’s setting boundaries with my work inbox, jumping into bed earlier, or drafting a few pages rather than a full chapter in my novel. Reminding myself that accounting twenty minutes for breakfast in the morning or the budget for something non-microwavable for dinner aren’t luxuries. These little moves help chip away at the anxiety, even when the universe seems to want otherwise.
I hope that despite the pain most of you are feeling after Election Night in America that you’re committed to taking care of yourself. Especially if you identify as LGBTQIA+, a person of color, or a woman, given that this election showed much of the country won’t care about your future. We all deserve a little peace as we head into early nights and lower temperatures. Let’s keep looking for each of ours, knowing we’re doing it together.
Rachel’s Weekly Recs:
It’s still fall, y’all! But I’m slowly looking at Christmas items. I really love these Holiday in the City Stoneware Mugs from Anthropologie, featuring idyllic scenes from across the globe. They’re under $20 and a great gift for someone with a box of nice tea or cocoa.
I finally went to the Jellycat Diner at FAO Schwarz, and boy was it a serotonin rush! After standing in line for an hour, I got to experience singing and dancing, stuffed pancake flipping, and so much joy. You can watch my trip there here.
In viewing habits, I’m excited for the new season of Holiday Baking Championship, a Food Network show perfect for lovers of gingerbread, powdered sugar, and festive af food. Get ready for some delicious seasonal snacks you can’t eat.