I Remember Very Little

Sleep, stress, and forgetting where I put my keys

It didn’t fully occur to me how stressed I was until I was at the gynecologist, holding my turtle-shaped purse and taking deep breaths in the sensory deprivation area with tears in my eyes.

Granted, the gynecologist is a stressful place for most people. But it wasn’t anything about the visit bothering me. It was everything happening around it. I’d spent the morning in three hours of circuitous meetings with my boss, and I had to run back uptown for another one after the appointment. Then I had to hop on a train upstate, followed by a flight to Chicago, a drive to Connecticut, and so many emails in between.

When the nurse removed the blood pressure cuff from my arm and announced the number was high—high enough I may need another prescription in addition to the one I came in for—all I could do was breakdown. That’s how I ended up in the small dark room with the calming music.

“Take a minute for yourself and then we’ll try again,” she said. “Relax. Meditate maybe.”

Every time I try to meditate I end up going over my to-do list or drafting emails in my head. Instead, I considered how I’d gotten here. Had there been signs? Obviously. But just how many?

The stress had definitely entered my dreams. At least once a week, I dreamt I had completed a menial work task (or worse, missed a flight or a train or a deadline), then woke up disappointed and disoriented. Sleep was generally a struggle. As was managing eating, working out, doing things not on my list, such as doing nothing at all. But most of these feelings I’d had, to some degree, since high school. I experience them so often, it’s hard to determine which tummy ache or sleepless night I should pay attention to, and which is daily life.

What should have really tipped me off was my memory, specifically my lack of object permanence.

Object permanence is the concept that an object still exists, even if it’s not visible. It’s a crucial development step for children. One way you establish their understanding is through playing peek-a-boo, where at first babies will think someone has disappeared behind their hands while they later come to understand the person has only covered their face. Object permanence can be a struggle for people with ADHD, as well, as they struggle with poor working memory. It can result in things like looking for your keys or phone while already holding them in your hand. It’s a momentary loss of focus, but a constant cycle of it can cause big stress and anxiety.

Stress is also a culprit behind short-term memory loss. The stress hormone cortisol helps us in fight-or-flight mode, redirecting blood flow and increasing our heart rate to respond to intense situations. However, prolonged states of stress with frequently high cortisol counts has ramifications: weight gain, digestive issues, high blood pressure, and poor short-term memory. The memory piece happens because overtime, stress weakens the synapses in your brain needed to process, recall, and store information. Overtime, too much stress could even shrink your brain and weaken its barrier, letting in too many toxins. This starts out as forgetfulness, but could lead to early signs of dementia.

Before I move on, let’s close our eyes and take a deep breath. Are you shoulders at your ears? Let them down. Your fingers balled up around your phone? Stretch them out. Take the next few minutes to breathe in, and out. In, and out. Better? If not, try a couple more times then come back to finish this newsletter. 

As I took my breaths in that dark room, I remembered my frequent bouts of memory loss. Back in the winter when I was doing bookstore tours with a colleague and needed to ask fifteen times which store came next. This spring, too, writing things down not only in a list but actually scheduling them in my calendar to assure they happened became necessary. And then there was all the anxiety over packing for a trip. No matter how much I took note of putting my prescription or my external hard drive in the same places every time I traveled, I still found myself poking around my bag two, three, ten times on my way somewhere. The more exhausted and stressed I became, the worse this particular habit manifested. I also started waking up in the middle of the night and searching for things in my closet I hadn’t seen in a while. Just like the meme.

I tried to exhale these memories of not remembering: the stress they caused and the stress that caused them. I tried to let my brain float in my head for a minute without putting on pressure. And then I tried inhaling calm, clarity. As much as I wanted there to be a fast and easy way to fix the problem, I knew the only real answer was slowing down. The doctor reminded me of it after my blood pressure finally came down and she sent me home

Since I still have a stressful job and far too many moving parts in my life, whittling the stress away hasn’t been easy. While I packed for vacation last week I had to check my bag four times to make sure I’d put in the sunscreen. But I’m taking baby steps. Like a 10 PM bedtime. Drinking more water. Plus actually taking PTO, which I’ll share more about next week.

I also haven’t cried since that gynecology appointment, which feels like a huge feat in itself (crying is sort of my bread and butter, remember). If I make it to a month, maybe I’ll finally buy that countdown board. But for now, it’s one breath at a time…

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Rachel’s Weekly Recs:

• If you’re still in the market for some spook-tacular styles this Halloween season, may I recommend taking a look through the offerings on Modcloth. From skeleton sweaters to ghosty-print dresses and skirts, there are frights and delights for everyone (and inclusive sizing options, too).

• Continuing my theme of romance-only reading with Emma Lord’s The Break-Up Pact, about a struggling tea shop owner and a disenchanted finance bro/novelist who were childhood friends. They find themselves reconnecting after their respective break-ups go viral, and fake dating feels like the answer to their problems. Witty and heartwarming, for sure.

• With the heat and humidity finally waning, I’m hoping so will the frizz in my hair. One of my favorite products to achieve actually cute curls is Garnier Fructis Air Dry Butter Cream, a leave-in treatment. Towel dry your hair then scrunch a quarter-size amount of product in. Let air do the rest!