Be Careful, It’s My Heart
Lessons learned from Valentine’s Days of yore
Despite what my Christmas sweater collection might lead you to believe, Valentine’s is hands down my favorite holiday.
For those who know me, this probably isn’t a surprise. It combines my favorite stuff. Gorgeous stationery, sweet treats, and a good excuse to indulge in an abundance of romantic comedies. It’s an opportunity to be over-the-top in letting the people you care about know just how much they mean to you, as well. And I never turn down the chance to be extra.
I’ve loved Valentine’s Day for as long as I can remember. In elementary school, I handmade cards for my classmates, slipping them into desktop mail containers constructed of glittery heart stickers stuck to old shoeboxes. I never really had a teenage boyfriend so I spent those February 14ths pining a little harder than usual: for Nick Jonas, for the older brother of my best friend, for the guy two grades above me with the gauges and tattoos and rusting out vintage Mercedes who nobody believed could actually be 17. By college I started throwing Palentine’s Day parties for my single buddies where we baked cookies and watched movies. It was at one such gathering where two of my now married friends first felt a spark between them, so I guess I’m a bit of a matchmaker in addition to a Valentine Fan Girl.
The origin of Saint Valentine’s Day—or the Feast of Saint Valentine—is rooted in the Christian faith and ancient Roman tradition, honoring the martyr named Valentine. But the true story of St. Valentine is a bit of a mystery. The Catholic church has recognized at least three saints by that name, including one who was beheaded for performing secret marriages despite a ban by Emperor Claudius II. Another story goes that Saint Valentine was beheaded for helping Christians escape torture in Roman prisons. This latter legend suggests St. Valentine fell for the jailor’s daughter, and sent her what is thought to be the first letter signed “from your Valentine.”
Valentine was paid tribute to in February because it was around the anniversary of his death. It also helped Christians influence the formerly popular Pagan holiday Lupercalia, which celebrated fertility and honored Rome’s founders Romulus and Remus. Lupercalia involved a strange traditions (goat sacrifice followed by slapping single women with the hide to promote procreation, single women submitting their names to a goblet where single men then selected random pieces of paper to determine whom they’d bed), so it’s probably for the best that it fell out of fashion.
Although Pope Galsius declared February 14 Valentine’s Day at the end of the 5th century, its romantic connotations didn’t come until the Middle Ages when people in France and England noticed the holiday corresponded with birds’ mating season. Geoffrey Chaucer writes of this in his 1375 poem “Parliament of Fowls.” Handwritten Valentines became popular in the mid-1400s, and by the 18th century, small tokens of affection were being exchanged between friends and lovers throughout the world. Letters were replaced with printed cards in the 1900s with the advancement of technology and accessibility of postage, making it easier and faster for folks to share their feelings. Today, approximately 145 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged in the U.S. annually.
Now, back to my personal history. I started dating my partner Max in August 2021, and was making Valentine’s Day plans by that September. Sorry, I’m a planner… I went all out for our first. Personalized hazelnut chocolate! Tickets to a Paint & Pour class! A Build-A-Bear rendered in his image! In turn, Max got me—the girl who hates cooking—a cookbook. He made up for it with a box of chocolate covered strawberries and a reservation at The Russian Tea Room. Any other night, the restaurant is fantastic. However, that February 14th, the vibes were off. In part because strangers at tables around us kept getting engaged when we’d barely said, “I love you.”
Our second Valentine’s Day Max and I snagged a reservation at Michelin-star SAGA downtown, where the place was packed with May-December romances. The experience was even worse after I became nauseous mid-meal thanks to an undiagnosed concussion (the previous day, I’d slipped on a banana peel and hit my head exiting Whole Foods; no, I still don’t see the humor). I felt dizzy for a week, well into a romantic trip we’d planned together.
Last year Max and I were apart due to my conference schedule. I spent the night entertaining booksellers. He played video games. We FaceTimed. It was…underwhelming. Going into this 2025, I thought perhaps our fourth time could be the charm.
After great Valentine’s Days and terrible ones, too, I’ve come to believe the holiday shares a certain characteristic with New Years Eve: the premier way to celebrate is to go out beforehand, then do the actual thing at home in your pajamas. That way you avoid the awkward crowds plus the exorbitant set-menu prices. When I shared the idea with Max, he was intrigued. We decided to go out tonight to Gramercy Tavern and stay in Friday to make a meal together: he’s on dinner duty, I’m on dessert.
We’ve also been pre-gaming the big night in by asking each other questions, specifically those suggested in this article from The Cut. Max and I enjoy doing these kinds of surveys together. We tackled the sections of this Cosmopolitan quiz up through moving in with your partner and went through the famous 36 Questions to Fall in Love early in our relationship. They help us build intimacy and get our brains thinking over things that are often difficult to discuss without emotions flaring. They’re generally amusing, too. Sometimes I’ll ask if Max’s okay with me turning on my phone’s voice recorder before we sit down with a few because I like listening back, revelling in what I’ve learned.
It’s fun to see where our answers align and strengthen our bond, such as “Where is a place you’ve always wanted to travel?” (we’re both eager to explore North Africa) or “If you want kids, what values would you hope to instill in them?” (passion, kindness, and a strong drive). But the questions just as sharply bring our individual goals and desires into focus, especially when talking about work. Max views his career/success in it as an important part of his identity, and hopes to do well enough to allow for an early retirement from the corporate grind to focus on something enjoyable. I feel so detached from work I would hedge on identifying what I do as more than a job. I hope to build a creative working life for myself, though, where the idea of retirement sounds painful rather than pleasant.
Max had lots of answers to queries concerning his bucket-list desires and what he hopes to achieve before he dies, such as seeing the Egyptian pyramids or meeting his grandchild or learning another language. The only answer I could give for those prompts? Finishing my book. Writing was also the response I gave to, “Which things or activities make you feel most alive?” Outside of my family and Max and a few friends, it’s the only thing I’d say I love. The moral? I need to do more of it.
I’ll admit, the start of 2025 has been glum, and unless you’re an Eagles fan like Max there’s been little to celebrate. But it’s unacceptable to allow this feeling to win out, to not try to spark some joy amongst the darkness. I think Valentine’s Day can be a way to do that. So why not take the opportunity this holiday presents to escape the cold and have a nice meal with someone you care for, whether that means a five-star restaurant or a home cooked masterpiece. As the Jackie DeShannon song goes, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” I encourage you to find and revel in yours; this week and for those hard ones ahead.
Rachel’s Weekly Recs:
Bridget Jones is back and better than ever. Pre-game your heart day activities by screening Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy straight from your couch on Peacock. This time around Bridget is navigating motherhood and a new career without Mr. Darcey, but there is an adorable younger man at her side.
The best book I’ve read this month is London Sperry’s debut Passion Project, out in April. Bennet has lost herself following the death of her college boyfriend, flailing between temp jobs in New York. Enter Henry: an endearing bartender/photographer determined to help her discover what she likes in life. All the feels and sparks ensue from there. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll want a hug. Cannot endorse enough!
After four years, I have an upgraded phone. Which means an upgraded phone case. I went with a cobalt blue beauty from posh leather goods brand Aspinal. My favorite part is you can have it monogrammed for the ultimate preppy, proper experience.
Loved, loved, LOVED it!! Interesting history and heartfelt.