Baking Spirits Bright
Covered in sugar and healing the soul
Most folks who know me will tell you the kitchen isn’t my happy place.
The very thought of cooking—if not entangled with hosting a dinner party—exhausts me. The chopping! The dicing! The need to know the difference between the two! Not to mention searing versus frying versus roasting versus… whatever else. And do not get me started on the dishes. I’ve always found the whole thing to be a bit of a sunk cost fallacy: why put so much effort and time into a meal I’ll only enjoy eating for fifteen minutes, tops? This was especially true living alone. I could slave over a stove for myself, or I could microwave some Lean Cuisine macaroni and cheese. The choice for me is obvious.
There is one notable exception to this frustration of mine, however, and that’s baking. Cooking is a stressor, but baking is an escape.
My mom brought me in to bake with her before I even started school. Standing on a small step stool, I would watch her mix up goodies in pastel colored Tupperware bowls with white plastic spoons. I was mesmerized as she allocated the batter or dough into pans. I felt honored when I was old enough to help decorate, dipping my little frosting tool into buttercream before swiping it over each creation, sometimes adding sprinkles or chocolate candies for a flourish.
As I grew up, I continued baking any chance I got. Sometimes I even created chances. Like in eighth grade when I was struggling with the rock identification unit in Earth Science and my teacher allowed me to make sedimentary cookies for extra credit. Or in high school where I churned out dozens of muffins and cinnamon buns for monthly French club breakfast bake sales to benefit the local chapter of Make-A-Wish. I kept the habit up in college, too, where a stressful night of studying often turned into a pan of brownies for my radio colleagues the next morning. Though I was never adventurous enough to add in weed, as much I was frequently asked…
I’ve leaned on baking as a way to introduce myself as an adult. At my first serious job, I frequently filled the office with tasty creations, including homemade Easter basket chocolate donuts and red velvet, clementine raspberry cream cheese frosted cupcakes. After I began dating Max, I learned how to make his favorite peanut butter cup cookies from Insomnia (it led to an early blurted “I love you,” so I think mine were better). I work with my mom every month on curating baked goods for Wine and Pine, as they feel essential to the Rachel A.G. Gilman Experience™.
Some people find it strange that everything I hate concerning cooking something savory essentially evaporates if my mission is baking. I get that. But to me, they serve entirely different purposes.
Cooking is centered on sustenance. Strength, nourishment, the need to keep yourself alive. You can definitely have fun while doing this, though it often leads back to those core values. As someone who’s long struggled with my weight, body dysmorphia, and restrictive eating habits (more on that here), cooking on a bad day becomes a stage for all of my negative behaviors to play out, and on a good one is still exhausting. But baking? Baking is different. Baking isn’t about nutrition. Baking is about community and love and art. Baking is stress relieving rather than inducing.
I’m not alone in feeling this. Psychologists agree that the combination of a creative task with the sensory triggers of yummy smells you engage with when baking can reduce stress. The rhythmic quality to it (the measuring, pouring, timing) requires a level of engagement akin to what’s required for practicing mindfulness. All your brain can focus on at the moment is what you’re doing, not anxious triggers. And you have a tangible reward at the end, which most folks don’t have in their office jobs.
Therapeutic baking first became popular during the pandemic with #quarantinebaking, and was encouraged as a way for people to handle the sudden myriad of environmental stressors. I’ve also found it as a way to heal my relationship with food at-large. I first realized this after reading Roxane Gay’s experience with the same feeling in her book Hunger. The control I’ve previously felt around restricting certain things from my diet is redirected in baking. It’s more akin to the sensation I have around retooling a short story or assembling the perfect outfit. The precision finds a healthy outlet; the perfectionism is no longer around my body but instead making something beautiful to share with others.
The holidays inevitably bring forth situations where bodies can draw attention. Maybe your favorite seasonal sweater is tighter than you remember. Or you eat an extra serving of those once-per-year sticky buns and suddenly feel ashamed. Perhaps there’s an awful aunt who makes some stupid comment about how much you’ve grown, never mind that she last saw you at age twelve and now you’re twenty-fucking-eight. These kinds of intrusive thoughts and words can easily dampen your spirits.
But baking helps bring me back into a positive place, where I can do things and know they will be good. And of course, I’m going to indulge a little in the works I create. They are, after all, intended to be eaten. And eating isn’t bad. It’s necessary!
I’m allowing myself the space this holiday season to bake and share and love without guilt or fear. I’m leaning into what brings me joy without forcing there to be a consequence. I’m making three pies and four batches of cookies and while I’m tasting, I’m also sharing with my loved ones, because that, too, is one of the best parts. I hope you’ll do the same.
Rachel’s Weekly Recs, Gift Guide Edition:
For that person with numerous strange interests… Uncommon Goods probably has the right present, whether their jam is gardening or pickleball. There are a number of unique, personalized items to choose from, too, if you’re on the hunt for a gift that’s super special.
For that person who just wants to be cozy… Best spot on the internet to find happy goodies is Natural Life. This small, woman-owned brand offers the works, from kitchen supplies to car accessories in bright patterns with motivating messages. Perfect for anyone who needs a spiritual lift.
For that person looking to give back… Everything on Gifts for Good is not only chic, the products donate to worthy causes. Think meal kits that empower women and socks that plant trees. Gift to those in need, and receive a fantastic find for your friend: win-win!
Lovely newsletter which brought back so many cherished memories of baking with my sweetest little girl - we still bake side by side when she’s home for a holiday or special occasion (though now we don’t need the step stool to accomplish this!). And she’s right as baking something that can be enjoyed by others can be so healing and calming - everyone should try it!!!